Do I Miss You ??

Do I miss you? I don't know
But Im missing your lovely smile
When my heart is hurt & tears flow down
Its not here today to comfort me...

Do I miss you? I don't know
But Im missing your warm cuddle
When I feel lonely & need your arms
Suddenly I realise ; You are far away...

Do I miss you? I don't know
But Im missing the life we shared
Morning walks along the country roads
Evenings by the golden beaches

Do I miss you? I don't know
But Im missing your tendre love
Every minute we have spent together
I cherish in my heart with all my love

(Yeah...I miss you sweetheart)

I Don't Miss You, I Miss Who I Thought You Were..

Shattered..

Tears, tiny droplets of unnamed emotions

Purest form of love, hatred and fear,

Reflection of my mind, my inner soul

Wash me from my anguish, make me pure.

Love was never a game, oh unknown

My life and roles in it made it one!

The hurdles seemed so long, I endured

The mission, the changing rules, failed me win.

Levels changed and so did the game

Survival became the name of my aims!

Alone, not lonely I played the game

Memories of forgotten fuelled my life.

Moving on, I knew what's on my way

Yet you made me choke, oh love long gone,

You said you knew me in and out

Yet failed to know my tears for you!

The game console blinked, one last message

The dire choice " Game Over. Play Again? "

Tears, tiny droplets of unnamed emotions

Wash me from my anguish, make me pure..

Sshhhh....

I simply hate it when I don't have anyone to talk to. But then there is a lesson in this that I should learn. There is no other person you should talk to, but yourself. Because there is no one who would understand your feelings better than you, yourself. You can talk to yourself without anyone knowing about it! And you don't even have to worry about the "other" person spreading the news! Who cares if no one else has time to listen to your Dukh Bhari Dastaan! There is always you who would listen to it! And so I have learned my lesson after the wise words I got from people. Ah well... you have to learn it..be it the hard way!

Another thing that I have been thinking about is "maturity". I saw this group on facebook which said "My level of maturity depends on who I am with". I always believed that we matured with age. The older we get, the wiser we get, the more mature we become. Apparently I was wrong. In some cases only, of course. Who am I to point that out though! I act so immaturely at times. But believe me I try to act my age. I do try. And I try my best to think things over. But you can't deny the fact that sometimes it's fun to act like a kid and forget the whole maturity issue! Just today I let out my childish talks to my Mom (believe me it's very strange because I do not connect to my Mom in that way what-so-ever!).

And you must be thinking what a crazy Guy ! Just now he was on about how we should only talk to ourselves..no one understands us better than ourself!...blah blah blah! Yeah..okay I am a confused kid. Give me a break please.  Anyway, so I ranted so bad in front of Mom that she ended up laughing at me. Not very nice. I am a 18 year old guy and I was acting like an 8 year old complaining git! I am mature when it comes to certain issue. Seriously! But I hate it when I see people not acting their age. I know, I am being a bitch. And so I am! Phew! There! I said it! I am no angel. I rant about the weirdest of stuff and about the silliest of issues. I also ended up labelling myself as a selfish brat too.

I have a few questions. The things we might see as wrong or annoying at this point of time (at this age)..Do they matter when you grow up maybe 40 years later.. do they still matter? Would I be still winging about the same things when I am that far ahead in my life? Will anyone of us be doing it? I somewhat do know the answer to this (at least for myself, I do.). Then what is the point of acting so immaturely to these situations now?

I am so annoyed at what is going around me at the moment. That I want to stick my middle finger up and tell everyone off! Grrr.... I am a crazy person. And I write about strangest of things. It would be so funny reading all these posts when I am 50 above (if this blog survives). Some things should be taken as a joke but unfortunately they are stretched so far for no reason at all. And I don't like it. Some people need to learn to grow up (including me). Some people should stop being so immature and act their age. It's about time they grew up. Some people need to understand that some things are not meant to be talked out simply because they are useless! Argghhh... I am in such a bad mood. And this weather is playing it's part in making it worse.

Sorry for wasting your time with my useless ranting. Bleh. I simply don't want to waste my time on useless arguments as I have enough up my sleeve as of now. So adios for a while. To everyone. I mean EVERYONE.

Take care and be good !!

When Jealousy Creeps In..

Love is in the air. Anyone and almost everyone seems to be falling for someone or the other. Now before you get the wrong idea, let me clarify – No! I am not in love. Yes, I put up mushy lovey dovey status messages now and then and confusing blog posts which intrigue the readers even more. Guess it’s just the age I am in where everything I do gets automatically misinterpreted as to being in love.

So like I was telling (and before I go off topic again), love is definitely in the air. Everywhere I go I see young couples hanging around – at restaurants, at shopping malls, at theatres – with a glow on their faces and a spring in their steps. I admire them for a second or two, go awwww within self and then all of a sudden jealousy hits. I mean how dare they fall in love, when yours truly hasn’t found a partner for herself as of yet? I give them some unnoticed glares and leave it at that.

It was during one of these lovey dovey days that I decided to go shop. I landed at a counter inside the shop which was showcasing some very nice collection of earrings. The only hindrance for me - a young and good looking couple. Hmmm, actually only the girl was good looking, the guy was just ohhh-kay. So there they were (mostly him), blocking the already small counter and I wasn’t able to admire properly or check out a pearly set which I had set my eyes on.

The boy looked more obsessed, besotted, ‘in love’ with the girl than vice versa.

*Girl tries on a pair of earrings*

BF : Ohhhhhh! You look SO fab! LOVELY!
 
GF (admiring herself on the mirror) : Yeah, no? Even I think so too. Looks awesome on me!!!
*Girl tries on another pair*

BF (eyes all dazed) : Wooowwww! Just look at you! So pretty.
 
GF (still admiring herself on the mirror) : Yeah no?!! Wow!! Just wow!
This complimenting from both sides (boy to girl, and girl to herself) went on for a good 5 minutes. I was there behind them admiring the scene, observing, taking it all in. Then.. yes… I hate to admit it… jealousy crept in. I decided enough was enough. I tapped the guy on his shoulders and asked in an irritated tone–

“So did you find anything good for yourself?”
 
The sales lady figured out what was going on and ushered the guy away much to his embarrassment. Though the funny part is that the girl hardly noticed he was gone and she went on admiring herself in the mirror.

Oh well. It’s fun to be jealous sometimes! ;)

If You're Happy And You Know It.....

.... Then have an expression that goes like this -

Like minded people are hard to find. And what’s more tough is finding people who you feel really connected to. I’m glad those very people have landed from miles away to visit this September. Some more are still to come.

Yes, even 'You' has landed. It feels really nice to be able to see him again. My childhood buddy. The person who has tolerated me the most in life. The person who has pissed me off so much that I have kicked him off from my FB and Orkut list the MOST number of times. He still suffers me and is downright sweet regardless of my immature self.

My chuddy buddy rocks even if he’s an idiot.

May this friendship last forever…

It's Time To Move On . . .

Life has taken another 360 degrees turn here.

The moment you think that everything is going your way, things CHANGE.. and the rules of the game are changed... 

I am seeing,that a lot of people around me are finding it difficult to accept my ideologies in life and I think may be it is high time, I need to leave it all behind and move ahead.

Of course,I am scared and not too sure.. But THIS is the time to decide...

Either I give-in to the cliche or create my own path... I may end up alone, battered and defeated if things go wrong but if I have the courage to do what I believe in, I am sure, I will find the courage to bear the consequences of the same.

I really donno which way to take. I trust no one right now. I need to break free from the cobwebs I have created around me.

Relationships are indeed great but if they don't let you be free... they are not meant to be... So I leave some of them behind and move on...

Coz I think if there is something that I have in me... I should not let it go down the drain... We all have been given something special by God coz he believed in us, he wanted us to recognize our potential and work on it so we create a difference in some way.

I think it is MY time to do it.. so leaving behind everything that binds me... I have decided to take a chance.. to do what I believe in...

Let's see what's in store next :) :) 

Hey! did you try listening to the voice inside you... did u really try to recognize that special something in you?? If not, I would say, do it now yaar.. coz life is too short... and time is pretty much less...

Crap! I am so much preachy these days...huh! can't really help it.. 

LOL!! 

Love ya :)

Not For You . . . But For Me !!

The wait has been long and I am glad I am waiting...coz I want to wait...I want to wait till it hurts...till it tears me apart...till I realize that you are gone forever...and you will not come back...

I NEED to sit here for hours today, getting shamelessly drenched in the rain, staring at the empty road that used to bring you here everyday, not for you, but for ME...to let this feeling sink in...to let the pain take its toll on me.

I WANT to remember this time, this place, this suffering always...I want to stay some more here... I want to wait some more here...wait until I lose hope of seeing you again.

I will wait until the tears cut through the strong walls of my heart and scream it aloud that you'd never come back.

Let me wait for one more minute, some more seconds...let me suffer a little more... not for you... but for ME.

I will go back home today, with a broken heart, with as much despair as I can, with as much pain as I can hold...so I'd never regret not waiting for you enough... not for you...but for ME.

Let me wait some more... some more... until the soul is completely shaken....not for you...but for me

 
Note : I donno how much sense it makes to anyone...It is NOT a poem...It is NOT a planned post....I really donno what it is all about. :) Don't ask me. Feel free to HATE it :D

For Her . .

I searched again today.
Yet another futile attempt.

I searched again in spaces big and small, inside my heart and outside, in sounds and in silence, in sight and behind closed eyes. I searched for a glimpse, a shadow, a word, a glance, a breath?

I found none.

 Love that was everywhere - the sand that let me leave my mark on it, the breeze that kissed me without asking, the sounds of music that I carried within me, the colors of joy splashed all around me - they all came together to surround me like a warm embrace. I held on tight, knowing and not believing that there will come a time when I have to let go. So, I closed my eyes and slept like a child, dreaming dreams that kept my illusion alive. 
And then one day, they all left and they took with them my world of love..

It was not her that I searched for. I searched for the world that I created for myself when she was around. I searched for the lightness in my step and in my heart, for the beauty around me and within me, 
I searched for colors, melody, life and love.

 

I searched for the me that lived only for her,
only for those moments shared with her..

Kuch Meetha Ho Jaye..

With romance going digital and love being on the fast lane,the age old art of wooing is slowly dying out.Maybe because everyone's so short of time.Men don't have the time or the patience to woo women and women in turn don't have the inclination to be wooed,something that roots to feminism.It's sad to find the beautiful art of courtship dying out because some women feel it humiliating and some men feel it unnecessary,esp with demands of equality.Forget about the idea of being sweet to a stranger,without any motive.

Anyway,I am hopelessly romantic and I still believe in knights,gentlemen and all the age old conventions.I feel happy when I see any of my friends doing something sweet for their partner. Such things were common place when I was in college and it was always fun to watch. But after college I hadn't witnessed anything truly sweet until it happened today..to me.

I was returning from a friend's place in the evening..Before heading home I decided to get myself a recharge voucher.The neighbourhood shop was crowded being a small hangout for many MBA students who stay in the locality.While I was waiting for my turn I found a cute gurl by my side.I gave her one casual glimpse.She smiled but I ignored and looked the other way.Rude,you might think but I was in a terrible mood after a real bad day.I paid the cash,got my voucher and headed out of the shop.I decided to take home some snacks from the nearby thela wala. While I was at the shop giving orders,the thela boy pointed behind my back.I looked back but didn't find anything.He again pointed,but towards my vehicle this time.I looked back and still didn't find anything strange.When he did it for the third time,I thought he was retarded.Just then another person at the shop tapped me and asked me to look back.when I looked back,almost irritated by then,I could see a gurl waving to me from the other side of the road. She was on her scooty with her helmet firmly on her head. I could make out she was the gurl from the shop. She pointed to my Bike. I looked down to find a chocolate bar on my seat.And below it was a paper with a big smiling face drawn on it and the words "Haapy Summer Days" scribbled beneath it.I looked up at her and she shouted back,"It's for you". Before I could react she zoomed off. People were looking at me and some were smiling..In my hurry to get out of there,i forgot to collect my snacks packet.I t was further embarrassing when I went back to collect it..

Back home i told my mom about the incident and we both shared a good laugh..
I don't remember any stranger being so sweet to me.It surely made me smile.If only I could have said a thank you or atleast returned her smile.I hope she reads this though.. *sigh*

Band-Aid

Hello,
It's been quite some time now since my last post.It wasn't because nothing had been happening off late but rather because my mind was and remains a pot pourri of emotions over the last couple of days.I would start off with the most pressing thing on my mind right now,a band-aid.

Where did i keep that band-aid??I tried hard to think.I kept searching it with a desperation,i ner knew of.Finally after 2 long hours of exhaustive search i gave up and reclined on the couch.It was 2 in the night.I poured myself some coffee(depressing me further).I kept thinking of all the places where i could have kept it.Why of all places did i note his number on the band-aid strip.Why?I still remembered him calling me back at the Srinagar airport and giving me his number.In a hurry i'd fished into my bag to look for a pen but i'd found my kajal instead.I'd tried looking for a paper but the only thing i found were tablet strips,more medicines and this lone band aid strip.I'd hurriedly taken down his number.My folks called out to me.So I gave him one final look,that of a goodbye.I'll call you.bye.I'd said and rushed to the airport.
 
Back home,I'd looked at the strip.I'd tossed it casually between my fingers before putting the strip in my study drawer.You don't forge relationships with people you leave behind,i'd thought.I'd opened the drawer again looking at the number.I'd wanted to give him a call but pushed back the drawer.And i'd forgotten all about it.
 
Last fifteen days as tension gripped the valley my mind constantly drifted to him.Would he still be taking the bus through the Pirpanjal?Would Sharif be with him to give him company?Is he alright?i thought.Situation in Kashmir had changed days after i returned from there.I should have called him earlier.I should call him up now.And it's since then that i have been desperately looking for that piece of paper.
 
I don't know what i feel right now..
guilt?...self hatred?..anger?...worry?....desperation?..frustration?
 
I don't know how to set things right.But i'll keep trying never the less.I'll try to heal things with out a Band Aid.

Jab We Met !!

Jab We Met,
Was no day special.
I was in the canteen bunking my class,
U in the library reading through ur glass.
Then the AO came checking
and i jumped the windows
and went off scurrying
to find a place to hide.
It was d library i found,
U looked up at d sound.
I smiled ,u smiled back
I came n sat next to you
You were scared n hurried to the loo.
Then i said something gross
And u looked really cross.
Oops sorry.. i said.,
thinking i have hurt a nerd.
But you took things light.
I wondered was it just me..
or me smiling bright?
I saw you go red.
I simply laughed,
ruffled your hair and left.


Next,I met you in the lab I was having problem with my device
But then u were so nice
u came n fixed it up.
It was then i felt awe for u,
Rather your brains to be true.
You seemed to like my company
and m sure i didn't mind.
The next day i asked you out,
U were a lil unsure
But finally decided to come out.
You were my fifty third date
While I was your first,
And who knows,maybe the last.
We went to a small cozy pub
And when I asked you for a dance,
You gave me a nervous glance.
But as I pulled you closer
and taught you the steps.
You got easy and danced away to claps.
I'd been out so many times
But i loved it with you.
And from the look on your face I could know,so did you.



What happened next
is for you to guess.
Love followed dates,
Marriage came next.And after two decades,
As i find you beside me now,
I look back and think,
Am glad we made it somehow.
Aye,you are still the one i love
And i'll love you so.
Jab we met was special
Now i know.

Romantic Me

  

For the past few weeks I wasn't too happy with my life.Nothing too upsetting in particular,but the way things were going,especially in the lives of people close to me,it had left me disturbed.I saw more break ups and fights in the past 2 weeks than probably i had done in a year.I was beginning to feel jaded and a little skeptical on the whole idea of 'being in love'.So when one of my close friends asked for my help in organizing a small function on the occasion of her parents' 25th marriage anniversary,I was only glad to help.I needed to get my spirits back.


I was given the overall charge of the event.So from setting the ambience,to choosing the menu,selecting the music to inviting the guests it was all my responsibility.It was a family affair so only relatives and close family friends were invited.I always like small gatherings,it's more personal. We had a young couple,few youngsters and some senior couples amidst us.Being close to my friend I knew almost all people around.The elders were a delightful bunch,who cracked jokes and recounted many funny and romantic incidents from their life.


We had a small event where the men had to dedicate a song to their wives.The elderly couples laughed it off but everyone cheered when the young husband volunteered.We could see his lovely wife blush when he sang "mujhe raat din,bas mujhe chahti ho.."There was a hint of naughtiness in his eyes.It was too sweet and too romantic.It set the mood in.And then we had my friend's dad and some of the elders sing songs.They weren't exactly romantic,but everyone was enjoying.


The food was great.After dinner,the elders got down to some serious discussion over their drinks.The music in the background was soft and romantic.I couldn't help myself when the godfather's theme started playing and pulled my friend for a dance.And soon the others joined in and we all were dancing to the romantic music.It was good too see everybody laugh and enjoy so much.


I feel a lot relaxed after yesterday night.It was a nice way to unwind.I have my romantic caps on and I'm feeling all mushy and mellow now.I have already listened to more than a dozen love songs since morning.So here's sharing one of my all time favourites with you.Enjoy!